Believing the Best in Your Spouse
- Steve Backlund
- Jun 28
- 6 min read
Believing the Best in Your Spouse
Guest Blog by Pieter & Melinda Lagaay
We are honored to have Melinda and Pieter Lagaay share on the topic of marriage. They bring authentic wisdom, contagious hope, and a testimony of God's restoring power that will strengthen and inspire you. Wendy and I highly recommend their ministry.
When Pieter and I began the process of restoring our marriage, I discovered that the real battle was not in his choices anymore — it was in my beliefs. I had to start looking at my husband future-oriented, instead of through the lens of his past mistakes. The enemy loves to keep us staring backward, because he knows that looking back clouds our vision for the future.
My marriage was only going to rise to the level of my beliefs about myself and about Pieter.
God was, always is, and will forever be doing a new thing in a marriage — but I had to learn that I have to intentionally choose to believe something higher before I see something higher. That single shift became the thesis of everything that follows: believing God's best about your spouse releases the power of restoration.
Steve and Wendy Backlund often say that faith does not deny our circumstances, but we can't get our beliefs from them either. Practically, this meant I had to start viewing Pieter through the prophetic words being spoken over him — even when our circumstances looked like the opposite. People at church would pray over him and say things like, “Pieter, you are a man of purity, power, and wisdom. You are a noble man.”
Every time those words were spoken, I could see Pieter struggle to receive them — he didn't feel worthy of being called those things because of his past. I knew that if I kept seeing him only through his past mistakes, I would be agreeing with the enemy's lies instead of with Heaven's truth.
Believing the best in someone is not denying what happened. It is refusing to let their worst moment define their identity.
I had to choose to see Pieter for who he really was — redeemed, loved, cherished, a man of purity and power with a victorious destiny. When God redeems our identity in Jesus, He doesn't do a cover-up job on our sin; He completely removes it, as though it never happened. I was responsible for seeing Pieter higher than his past, so he could actually step into his redeemed identity.
“Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].” Hebrews 11:1 AMPC. A title deed means complete ownership — in other words, we already own the promises of God by faith. Our job is to partner with Heaven and believe with childlike faith. Most people say, “When I see it, I will believe it.” But God asks us to believe it before we actually see it.
God asked Abraham, the father of faith, to go to a land he was unfamiliar with. It was a walk of faith for him to leave what was comfortable and believe that God was able to do what He said He could do — he obeyed and went, “although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go” (Hebrews 11:8–9). Our role in God's plan is the same: to choose to believe something higher than what we are currently feeling and experiencing. Faith is believing before seeing — the ultimate form of childlikeness. Faith says, “God, I don't know how You are going to pull this marriage restoration off, but I believe You can do it!”
Believing the best in Pieter, and being his biggest encourager, became one of the keys to a thriving and victorious marriage. I also had to become my own biggest encourager. The freedom, peace, and joy we carry today is a direct result of choosing to believe something higher than what our natural eyes could see.
The Battle of the Mind
After Pieter was saved and his affairs came out, the battle of the mind was intense. The enemy constantly whispered lies that contradicted what God had already told me — that He was going to restore my marriage. Driving alone one day, a thought surfaced: “Did God really say He was going to restore your marriage?”
The enemy often lies to us in the form of a question or a suggestion — the same way he spoke to Eve in the garden: “Did God really say...?” (Genesis 3:1). It wasn't audible. It was a subtle whisper to my heart.
The Lord reminded me of His truth and told me to declare it out loud — so I did. I cranked the worship music up in my car and boldly declared, “God is restoring my marriage,” over and over, until I believed it with my whole body, mind, soul, and spirit. I partnered with boldness and authority over the words I was declaring.
Filling Ourselves with New Beliefs
In Luke 11, Jesus describes a house swept clean that gets filled again — for better or worse. I believe this also speaks to filling ourselves with new belief systems. Steve Backlund talks about the importance of changing the channel of our self-talk. As I worked to restore my marriage, I had to start questioning everything I believed — because not every thought that enters our mind is the truth, and every thought has a source.
What I've Learned About Our Thoughts
Our thoughts are not always the truth.
Our thoughts are not always from us.
We can be transformed by intentionally choosing new thoughts.
Thoughts come primarily from the enemy's flaming arrows (Ephesians 6:16), our own soul (the mind, will, and emotions), our spirit, the Lord, or even the atmosphere of others around us. The enemy's flaming arrows aim to get us to believe a lie, to believe we are sinful or evil, to believe the thought originated with us — producing guilt, shame, and condemnation — and ultimately to get us to act on it. We can resist these thoughts simply by disagreeing and recognizing their source.
Years ago I had the thought, “Pieter will just cheat on me again.” I immediately felt guilty, especially after how much progress we had made. The thought was so random. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart: “Melinda, that thought is not yours. Reject the lie, and declare the truth.”
Not every thought belongs to us. The enemy's flaming arrows can come in the first person. And declarations — the spoken Word of God — are our most powerful weapon against them. Once we recognize a thought isn't ours, we can reject it, resist the enemy, declare the truth, and move on (Ephesians 6:11).
Thoughts that originate from God will always carry hope, lead us to a solution, call us higher, come in love, lead us into more truth, and give us hope for the future. Even when the Lord invites repentance, it is always leading us into greater freedom — never into shame.
One night, Pieter and I were in an argument. The Holy Spirit told me to go upstairs, pray, forgive Pieter, and repent for the way I had spoken to him. Repentance simply means changing the way we think — the Father was inviting me to see the truth about Pieter and about the situation. By the end of our conversation, we were hugging and laughing. If you asked me today what the fight was even about, I couldn't tell you. Changing our beliefs transforms the way we see the past.
The Turning Point
The turning point in our marriage was not when Pieter changed. The turning point was when I began agreeing with God's perspective of who he really was. As I changed my beliefs, my words changed. As my words changed, my hope increased. As my hope increased, I became a stronger partner with God in our restoration.
What good report is the Lord speaking over your marriage today? What can you celebrate about your spouse? What can you celebrate about yourself and your marriage?
Activation and Prayer
Father, help me see my spouse the way You see them. Can You show me a picture of how You see my spouse? Father, what do I need to believe about my spouse? Give me eyes to see and ears to hear what You are saying about our future and the future of our marriage. What will my marriage look like in ten years? Write down what you see, hear, sense, feel, and know.
Declarations to Strengthen Your Marriage
We are committed to one another as Christ is committed to His Church. (Ephesians 5:25)
Our love for each other grows deeper every day. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)
We choose to forgive each other as God forgave us. (Ephesians 4:32)
Together, we will face every challenge with God's strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Our marriage is built on a foundation of love and trust. (1 Corinthians 13:7)
We speak life, hope, and encouragement into each other's hearts. (Proverbs 18:21)
Our home is filled with peace and joy. (Philippians 4:7)
We support one another's dreams and aspirations. (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10)
Our love is patient and kind, refusing to keep a record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
We will laugh, play, and enjoy life together. (Proverbs 17:22)
