When Helping Doesn't Help
When Helping Doesn't Help
By Steve Backlund
Enabling is behavior that unintentionally shields someone from the negative consequences of their harmful actions, often under the guise of help.
Have you ever helped someone only to realize later that your help actually kept them stuck? Has anyone “helped” you, but it just prolonged a dysfunction?
Most people don't enable others because they have bad hearts. They do so because they have compassionate hearts. We see someone hurting and instinctively want to make life easier. Compassion reflects the heart of God. Yet without wisdom, our help can unintentionally become enabling by removing responsibilities that God intends people to carry themselves. Instead of strengthening people, we can actually postpone the very breakthrough we are praying for.
Here is a great question to ask as we lead, parent, pastor, and relate to people: "Is what I am doing empowering this person, or making it easier for them to stay the same?"
The Bible tells us that love "rejoices in the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6). Healthy love doesn't simply ask, "What feels loving today?", but, more importantly, asks, "What will help this person become who God created them to be?"
Enabling removes responsibilities that God intends people to carry. Empowerment helps people become strong enough to carry those responsibilities.
One of the clearest examples of empowering love is found in Jesus' interaction with the man at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5:1-15. The man had been unable to walk for thirty-eight years. Before healing him, Jesus asked what may be one of the strangest questions in the Gospels: "Do you want to be made well?"
At first glance, the question seems unnecessary. Of course he wanted to be well. Yet instead of simply answering "yes," the man immediately explained why he couldn't change. "I have no man to put me into the pool..." (John 5:7). His focus was on his obstacles rather than on God's possibility.
Jesus didn't argue with his excuses, nor did He carry him to the water. Instead, He spoke words that invited responsibility: "Rise, take up your bed and walk." (John 5:8) Jesus wasn't being insensitive. He was empowering. He believed God's grace was greater than the man's limitations, and He invited him to participate in the miracle. That is what empowering people do. They don't ignore difficulties, but neither do they allow difficulties to become someone's permanent identity. (That is a sentence to mediate on.)
Four Truths About Healthy Helping
1. Love believes people can grow - God sent Ananias to pray for Saul—the very man who had been persecuting Christians (Acts 9). Instead of defining Saul by his past, Ananias welcomed him as "Brother Saul." Empowering people believe God can completely rewrite someone's story.
2. Love doesn't remove every consequence - God often uses consequences to teach lessons that conversations never could. Continually rescuing people often unintentionally delays the breakthrough we are praying for.
3. Love establishes healthy boundaries - Boundaries aren't rejection; they communicate respect. They say, "I believe you are capable of taking responsibility for your life."
4. Love empowers instead of rescues - Rescuing solves today's problem, while empowering develops tomorrow's person.
Ways We May Be Enabling
Working on someone’s problem harder than they are working on it.
Financially supporting people who are not committed to growth or change.
Continually making excuses for unhealthy choices.
Avoiding difficult conversations because we fear conflict.
Protecting people (including our children) from failure or consequence.
Becoming the person everyone depends on instead of developing people who can stand on their own.
One question to ask is this: "Will this make this person stronger or weaker?" That question will help save us from confusing rescuing with loving.
The Holy Spirit never enables us. He convicts without condemning, tells us the truth, and continually empowers us to grow. He believes in what the grace of God can accomplish in our lives.
I want to believe in people without continually rescuing them. I want to establish healthy boundaries without losing hope. I want to continually communicate, "I believe you can do it because God's grace is greater than your current struggle."
Helping becomes unhelpful when it removes responsibility and sends the message, “I don’t believe you are capable of change.”
Enabling focuses on today's comfort. Empowerment focuses on tomorrow's freedom. Our goal isn't to make life easier for people. Our goal is to make people stronger for life.
Declarations
I believe the people in my life are capable of change.
I love people with both grace and truth.
I establish healthy boundaries that empower growth.
I believe the grace of God is greater than every struggle.
I help people become stronger, freer, and more responsible through the transforming power of God's grace.
